Today I hit a wall. Thankfully in the more metaphorical sense. Literal wall-hitting is uncomfortable. And that little verbal diversion was just more of me trying to not deal with the part where metaphorically hitting a wall also fucking sucks. (And I apologise for swearing. I avoid it most of the time, but there are some cases where I think precise application of swearing is useful.)
This morning was Day Who-Even-Knows-Anymore of being in lockdown and for whatever reason I was just done. Not done as in being angry at every little thing, although I have been doing that on and off too. (Shameless plug, I wrote a blog post about it here.) Just done as in nothing matters and I don’t care about anything anymore. I haven’t felt that numb and apathetic about anything in a very long time and it is the worst.
I didn’t get dressed today. I barely got out of bed today. We just ordered Chinese food for supper because even though I’m feeling better than I was this morning, I’m still not up to making supper and neither is Kyle.
I hit such a wall. I did not care about anything this morning. I barely spoke to my children, I barely even managed to idly scroll through social media on my phone. I lay in my bed in a ball, and then on the couch in a ball, and mostly just stared into space. I went to bed with Timbit at naptime and slept for two hours despite having drank an entire pot of caffeinated tea. I did not do any homework with Kid Flash today. I did not take him or Goober outside. We put the tv on at about 10:30 and frankly, I’m amazed we made it that long. It’s still on now, as I’m typing this at 5:00 and yes I am horrified by exactly how many hours of tv my children watch today.
Part of my reason for posting this is because I needed to get the words out. I needed to say that “Hey, I am extremely not okay today.” And part of it was because this morning I posted a lovely picture of the boys and I playing UNO and it felt like a lie. (Not the picture itself, it’s lovely and I’m glad I took it because when we look back on it we will remember sunny mornings spending time together and not the fact that I almost didn’t get out of bed this morning at all.) The picture was fine. Posting that picture to Facebook and Instagram felt like a lie. People will look at that picture and see it and see me playing a game with my children and it looks like I’ve got it together and I’m coping well. But I wasn’t. And I’m not. And that’s okay.
I’m doing better now. The two hour nap helped. The shower I took this afternoon helped even more. Sitting down and finishing this blog post, processing my thoughts and feelings through writing helps even more. And here’s the thing. I’m feeling much better this afternoon and this evening, but I still didn’t get dressed, or make supper, or make the kids turn off the tv, or do any of the laundry or dishes that I didn’t get to yesterday. Even now as I finish writing this, now at nearly 9:00 with the kids asleep and in bed, I didn’t clear the table or put the supper away. I just shoved the plates out of the way and pulled out my laptop and sat there amid the mess.
I had a terrible day. And that’s okay. The world is strange and terrible right now. It’s different and overwhelming and for an extrovert like me the inability to see people is very difficult. At the same time the constant presence of my children with no respite is also very tiring on a physical and emotional level. There are no breaks and I am tired.
Tomorrow is a brand new day.
Tomorrow might be terrible too, or it might be wonderful. But I shall face it when it comes. Today I am going to lean into the fact that the day was terrible. I will accept it and weather it. It’s okay to have trouble getting out of bed some days. I did get out of bed, and I made it all the way through today. Tomorrow will be a new day.
Today I managed. Tomorrow will sort itself out. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)